Fear of commitment is the fear of building close relationships and bonds with other people. Those affected have problems maintaining a long-term relationship and, for example, entering into a partnership. In psychology, a severe form of fear of commitment is part of what is known as an attachment disorder. Men and women are affected to approximately the same extent.
How does fear of commitment arise?
There is no medication or specific remedy for the fear of commitment. However, if life and the fear have a major impact on the life of the person affected, psychotherapy can help.
There are several theories as to what can trigger fear of commitment. Most commonly, it is based on the fear of being emotionally hurt or abandoned by others. Especially when people have been badly hurt in previous relationships, this can lead to fear of commitment.
Many also believe that the disorder develops due to trauma in childhood and has effects in adulthood. Neglect or abuse in the first three years of life, for example, is said to have a great influence on a person's ability to form attachments.
Separation from mother, father or close relatives can also trigger fear of commitment. The child's early experiences have an influence in adulthood, as certain things and behaviors become ingrained in a child's subconscious.
Likewise, frequent hospital stays can trigger fear of commitment due to painful procedures or chronic pain.
Other things that can trigger commitment anxiety are sexual abuse or alcohol and drug abuse by the mother during pregnancy. If a close relationship cannot be established between the baby and the caregiver in the first few years after birth, this can lead to commitment anxiety in adulthood. The same applies to frequent changes of caregivers, as the child lacks security and stability.
Furthermore, people who are afraid of commitment are also afraid of losing their own freedom and space.
Signs and symptoms of commitment anxiety
Many people with commitment issues have a strong fear of emotional closeness. On the other hand, they want exactly that because they actually lack this closeness.
This often results in certain behavioral patterns in relationships. Often the relationships are not consistent, as the affected person constantly withdraws and then gets closer again. In addition, people with this fear are very unreliable, especially in relationships, and often cancel appointments or do not keep agreements.
Other typical behaviors include not talking about their feelings and not letting anyone get close to them. People with commitment issues have trouble committing to something and frequently changing sexual partners is also not uncommon.
It also happens that people with commitment anxiety “fall in love” with people who are taken or unattainable. This means they avoid the possibility of closeness and it is a kind of defense mechanism.
But they have a great need for security, but also very high expectations of their partner. This often triggers arguments and gives those affected the opportunity to withdraw.
In addition, these people usually have low self-esteem and a very negative image of themselves. This leads to fear of their partner's reaction as well as their own reaction.
Paradoxically, those affected are often not even aware of their own behavior and fear. Since they want a relationship and closeness, and it is often an issue, this masks the fear of closeness.
What can you do about fear of commitment?
If the cause of the fear of commitment lies in childhood, therapy can help to process existing trauma. Even if the attachment disorder already appears in childhood, therapy that includes close relatives can possibly help.
For adults with fear of commitment, it is important to have new and positive experiences with their partner and to openly express their own wishes.
You have to learn that you are now better able to fend off demands and that your own needs are normal and okay. The experience that your partner accepts you as you are is very important if you want to overcome the fear of commitment. For those affected, this means taking a risk.
But exchanging experiences with other people affected can also help, as those affected can talk openly among themselves and there is mutual understanding. It can also help to simply know that you are not alone.
The most important thing is the support and understanding of your partner and those around you. Your own will to overcome your fear is fundamental to overcoming fear of commitment. However, if the fear of commitment has arisen from experiences of abuse or other trauma, therapy is usually the only solution. Such trauma is difficult and often impossible to overcome alone.
How do I deal with those affected?
Whether as a family member, friend or partner - dealing with someone who has fear of commitment can sometimes be difficult. Especially if this fear is deep-seated and has a major impact on the life of the person affected. Therefore, here are some final tips on how you as a close person can best deal with those affected.
Open and honest communication is everything, and above all it is important that those affected know where they stand and that they are accepted.
Often, people with commitment anxiety are idealized, especially by their partners, and the proximity-distance game makes them seem even more desirable to the other person. When the person affected then withdraws, many make the mistake of wanting to be there at that very moment and practically running after the person affected. However, this only makes a person with commitment anxiety feel pressured.
It is therefore advisable to be patient and accept the distance. And then simply be there when the person needs you. This shows that the person's behaviour is not bad and that you will still be there if they come back. It conveys a feeling of reliability.
Furthermore, you should be careful not to have too high expectations – not of the person with commitment issues, and not of yourself either.
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